Hi there folks! My name is “Sugar” Cain Vedlogge, and just like you, I used to be a slovenly pig. That’s all changed thanks to my time spent in-between employment. Technically I don’t have any new employment yet, but that’ll change thanks to the physical changes I’ve undergone, too. See, before I “lost” my job, I was working too hard to please my boss and not working hard enough on my physique. Apparently that meant I couldn’t please my girlfriend enough, but it’s her loss. These days I’m lean, I’m mean, and I’m willing to share what it takes to go from zero to hero! After I gained around 12 pounds of beer and depression weight after Clarissa left, I’ve lost it all and more, and I can actually see two of my abs. If I did it after moving back in with my parents, so can you!
“Sugar” Cain Vedlogge’s Top Five Fitness Tips
1. A) Be inefficient.
This one’s easy. Every single thing you do should take up WAY more time and effort than what’s reasonable. In this way, you’ll burn more calories and increase your metabolism, through mundane and boring tasks. If I go get the mail, I bring it upstairs. But if I want a drink of water after that, I need to go downstairs again to grab my glass! In an office setting, if you have to staple some papers and give them to someone, then don’t have a stapler with you. Don’t bring your papers to the stapler, either. Find a stapler, take the stapler to your desk, staple, and then return the stapler back to its proper place. Now go back to your desk and grab the stapled papers, and finally you can go get rid of them. Don't you feel like you burned more fat than the usual? It's because you did!
1. B) Use the farthest bathroom.
This is doubly useful in the workplace in that it avoids time spent working. It takes time and energy to go use the farthest bathroom. Having two stories really helped my weight loss goal.
2. Lose your car keys.
Nothing crushes the hopes of a truly tight bod like mechanical locomotion, am I right? Listen, if you drive everywhere, you’ll be sedentary that much longer. Think driving to the gym and getting a good parking space ensure a good workout? WRONG! You should be walking to the gym and back, cutting into your meal times but not your pump. You can’t carry unnecessary groceries from the store, either. Just one hand for a gallon of milk, one hand for a gallon of chocolate milk, and eggs in between. Your diet is awesome, just like you! You can even remove all temptation by having the car belong to your girlfriend so that she takes off with it when she leaves you.
3. Don’t just be fit- pretend to be fit!
Let’s talk about what it means to be fit. Should you get six-pack abs if you’re never going to show them off? Should you maintain a healthy level of fat so you can keep your energy up? Should you do weight lifting that emphasizes strength over size? No to every single one of those! Your muscles should be as beefy as possible with as minimal strength as you can afford. Try artificial methods of fitness, like creatine. I take three 5-Hour energies a day, and wake up with a cup of coffee. Girls like Clarissa think synthol injections are a little overboard, so don’t try that. Definitely wear skintight fitness shirts though, and bicycle shorts to really show that you’re here to get in shape. Talk about fitness with everyone you meet. They’ll love it, and go home thinking “Wow, what a cool guy. He’s in so much better shape than me, I don’t know how I’m dating his ex-girlfriend. She’ll probably leave me to get back together with him really soon.”
4. Don’t get really drunk every night.
Apparently most people already know this? This was news to me. After I got serious about weight loss, I only drank myself to sleep once, on our anniversary while staring at that photo. You know, the one where the guy taking the photo kept putting his thumb in front of the lens and we laughed the rest of the night? New Orleans was fun. I miss you.
5. Masturbate sensually.
We’ve saved the best for last. When you’re ready to jerk it (which you should be doing daily for the cardio), don’t just sit there limpwristedly and crank it out halfheartedly while sobbing. Get into it. Breathe hot and heavy. Sex is better exercise, but you can’t be bothered to find a woman! That doesn’t fit with your fitness goals, which are designed to get your ex to take you back! Instead, turn your masturbation into virtual sex. Thrust into things. Put some hip into it. Practice your stroke, which you will put to good use once you’re in great shape and the ladies come running. If you’re going to cry, really shout out the name, something like, I don’t know, “Clarissa.” In the meantime though, buy a fleshlight. Name it. That’s the best two hundred dollars you’ll spend on your fitness journey.
I hope these tips have set you straight. As I always say, “Fitness is cool! I love Fitness!”
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