Peruvian Literary Battles and Monkeys on Planes

I just read a really cool article about literary battling in Peru. Writers square off and are given three words with which and five minutes in which to write a short story. Winner goes on, loser goes home (and must unmask themselves). I decided to time myself and give it a go with the three words given in the article, which I read at:

http://www.pri.org/stories/2013-09-30/peru-makes-book-writing-spectator-sport-and-invites-desperate-writers-combat

I’d like to point out that five minutes went by way too quickly. It’s actually pretty nerve-wracking and I’m sure in front of a crowd it’s worse. I thrive under pressure on a stage, but for some reason I feel like I’d lose every possible match-up due to the fact that I can’t write in Spanish. The story couldn’t be titled in five minutes, but just right now I’ve dubbed it: 

“Monkey Miscommunication”

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t bring that on the plane at this time.”

Haleel looked up from his plane ticket. “But ma’am, it say here I boarding group number two. You just call boarding group number two.”

The flight attendant was unfazed. “That may be true, Mr. Haleel, but you can’t board with a monkey.”

“I can’t board with monkey? But guide book say I can go with my monkey to America.”

“I don’t know what guide book you’re looking at, sir, but no, you can’t bring a monkey to America. Not without the proper documentation and vaccination. It’ll need quarantine, too.”

“No! No, no, no! This not right! Look here at guide book.”

Haleel shoved the guide book in the flight attendant’s face. She sighed. The airline was not paying her enough for this. “Security,” she called over the intercom.

Haleel was escorted out of the airport with his monkey. At home, he discovered the problem. His English dictionary had the words next to each other: “monkey” was “hakab” and “suitcase” was “hakann.” He could bring a suitcase, yes. Not a monkey.

"Sugar" Cain Vedlogge's Top Five Fitness Tips

This is a guest post from Cain Vedlogge, founder of fitnessissocoolilovefitness.vedlogge.com, the premier fitness site. Claims have not been verified.

Hi there folks! My name is “Sugar” Cain Vedlogge, and just like you, I used to be a slovenly pig. That’s all changed thanks to my time spent in-between employment. Technically I don’t have any new employment yet, but that’ll change thanks to the physical changes I’ve undergone, too. See, before I “lost” my job, I was working too hard to please my boss and not working hard enough on my physique. Apparently that meant I couldn’t please my girlfriend enough, but it’s her loss. These days I’m lean, I’m mean, and I’m willing to share what it takes to go from zero to hero! After I gained around 12 pounds of beer and depression weight after Clarissa left, I’ve lost it all and more, and I can actually see two of my abs. If I did it after moving back in with my parents, so can you!

“Sugar” Cain Vedlogge’s Top Five Fitness Tips

1. A) Be inefficient.

This one’s easy. Every single thing you do should take up WAY more time and effort than what’s reasonable. In this way, you’ll burn more calories and increase your metabolism, through mundane and boring tasks. If I go get the mail, I bring it upstairs. But if I want a drink of water after that, I need to go downstairs again to grab my glass! In an office setting, if you have to staple some papers and give them to someone, then don’t have a stapler with you. Don’t bring your papers to the stapler, either. Find a stapler, take the stapler to your desk, staple, and then return the stapler back to its proper place. Now go back to your desk and grab the stapled papers, and finally you can go get rid of them. Don't you feel like you burned more fat than the usual? It's because you did!

1. B) Use the farthest bathroom.

This is doubly useful in the workplace in that it avoids time spent working. It takes time and energy to go use the farthest bathroom. Having two stories really helped my weight loss goal.

2. Lose your car keys.

Nothing crushes the hopes of a truly tight bod like mechanical locomotion, am I right? Listen, if you drive everywhere, you’ll be sedentary that much longer. Think driving to the gym and getting a good parking space ensure a good workout? WRONG! You should be walking to the gym and back, cutting into your meal times but not your pump. You can’t carry unnecessary groceries from the store, either. Just one hand for a gallon of milk, one hand for a gallon of chocolate milk, and eggs in between. Your diet is awesome, just like you! You can even remove all temptation by having the car belong to your girlfriend so that she takes off with it when she leaves you.

3. Don’t just be fit- pretend to be fit!

Let’s talk about what it means to be fit. Should you get six-pack abs if you’re never going to show them off? Should you maintain a healthy level of fat so you can keep your energy up? Should you do weight lifting that emphasizes strength over size? No to every single one of those! Your muscles should be as beefy as possible with as minimal strength as you can afford. Try artificial methods of fitness, like creatine. I take three 5-Hour energies a day, and wake up with a cup of coffee. Girls like Clarissa think synthol injections are a little overboard, so don’t try that. Definitely wear skintight fitness shirts though, and bicycle shorts to really show that you’re here to get in shape. Talk about fitness with everyone you meet. They’ll love it, and go home thinking “Wow, what a cool guy. He’s in so much better shape than me, I don’t know how I’m dating his ex-girlfriend. She’ll probably leave me to get back together with him really soon.”

4. Don’t get really drunk every night.

Apparently most people already know this? This was news to me. After I got serious about weight loss, I only drank myself to sleep once, on our anniversary while staring at that photo. You know, the one where the guy taking the photo kept putting his thumb in front of the lens and we laughed the rest of the night? New Orleans was fun. I miss you.

5. Masturbate sensually.

We’ve saved the best for last. When you’re ready to jerk it (which you should be doing daily for the cardio), don’t just sit there limpwristedly and crank it out halfheartedly while sobbing. Get into it. Breathe hot and heavy. Sex is better exercise, but you can’t be bothered to find a woman! That doesn’t fit with your fitness goals, which are designed to get your ex to take you back! Instead, turn your masturbation into virtual sex. Thrust into things. Put some hip into it. Practice your stroke, which you will put to good use once you’re in great shape and the ladies come running. If you’re going to cry, really shout out the name, something like, I don’t know, “Clarissa.” In the meantime though, buy a fleshlight. Name it. That’s the best two hundred dollars you’ll spend on your fitness journey.


I hope these tips have set you straight. As I always say, “Fitness is cool! I love Fitness!”

Porcupyros

"Porcupyros"- Let It Be Known I Don't Back Down From Outlandish Ideas

Being inside bothered Morgan. Morgan stepped outside and breathed deeply in the crisp autumn air. A wisp of smoke floated by. Morgan hurried on. Morgan didn’t want to be late for the fire. Morgan had been yelled at by the fire chief for being late once already, and it was only Morgan’s second week on the job as a fireman. Morgan grabbed fire quickly and hustled on, legs waddling fast.

At the blaze, Morgan nodded to the others already there. Morgan Watmaugh, Morgan Morrison, and Morgan Kelsey were tossing flames from their backs on the books piled up in the clearing. Morgan joined in, getting as close as possible to the blaze without getting seared. No Morgan could read a book. It had been that way for as long as Morgan could remember. If they had kept history books, Morgan could probably get a timeframe on how long illiteracy had been the norm. Morgan disagreed with the very concept of writing. Books were alien. Books were wrong.

Chief Morgan showed up. The chief looked on with a signature frown. That frown said the firemen were doing a good enough job, but that even the sight of books was unwelcome. The chief hated books the most of any of them. The chief tried to eat a book once, just to see if it had any use. Though it had pictures of edible goods all inside, it tasted bland and didn’t chew properly. The chief didn’t carry any fire tonight, but was there to supervise. Many new recruits, including Morgan and Morgan Kelsey, had joined the fire crew this season. The chief wanted to weed out the weaklings and possible book-lovers. No book-lover had ever made it on the team to sabotage the firemen’s burnings. No book-lover had ever tried, as far as Morgan knew. The possibility nonetheless remained, so the chief stayed vigilant, and grouchy.

“Morgan!” The chief was glaring at Morgan. “Would you mind telling me where these books came from?”

“An old shed, over by the beaver dam.” Morgan had made the discovery with Morgan Kelsey in the afternoon. Morgan Kelsey went to get the others at the fire station while Morgan pulled the tomes to the clearing and grabbed fire from home. Morgan enjoyed being with Morgan Kelsey. Those eyes had a way of looking right through Morgan. Morgan Kelsey looked over to where the conversation was taking place. Again, those eyes pierced Morgan and Morgan shuddered wonderfully.

“Did you check the perimeter like we went over in training?”

“No, chief,” Morgan said, straightening up and remembering the fireman technical manual, “but it was just me and Morgan Kelsey. Not enough to check for 'associations of structure' in relation to the shed placement either. I remember the location perfectly and wanted to scout tomorrow after meeting.”

“Harrumph.” The chief didn’t look disappointed, meaning the chief was as pleased as possible. “Don’t you squander this opportunity, rookie. You’ve got potential, and the passion for the job. But this job is as volatile as the fire we harness. You make one mental screw-up, and you’re gone, ya hear me? Did you leave the shed standing, or burn it?”

“I left it standing so we could find it again without hassle, and cross-reference its building style. Also, I wanted you to check for any hidden books.”

“Hidden books? In a shed? Now you’re being too damn cautious, rookie. I ain’t going out there for this bullshit of a burn. Burn this mess and go home tonight, crew. I’ll see you in the morning.” The chief did an awkward about-face and grunted as he left, “Morgan Kelsey! You’re doing that all wrong.”

Morgan Kelsey’s face fell. The light from the fire illuminated all the lines Morgan was so interested in knowing. Morgan moved up next to Morgan Kelsey.

“The chief only yells because book burning is so important,” Morgan said.

“I know,”Morgan Kelsey said. “It’s just hard to take the personal sting out of the words.”

“Let me make it up to you. Come over to my place tonight. We’ll have a nice meal.”

Morgan Kelsey looked over with a sly grin. “Nothing wrong with my place either. It’s closer.”

“Alright, then. After this fire. Your place.”

The firemen turned their attention to the blaze. Books burned and crackled after the firemen turned the fire on their backs into a giant conflagration. Smoke billowed up between the trees around the clearing. Morgan Morrison laughed. Fire was fun, and pyromania gripped them all for another hour.

The embers died down and they used their many feet to kick ashes and dirt around, so the fire wouldn’t spread to the forest. Morgan Morrison and Morgan Watmaugh shuffled away, joking about the way the heat overwhelmed them like the chief’s bad morning breath. Morgan lay belly-down looking at the fire until Morgan Kelsey came and lay down also.

“Shall we go?”

“Oh, let’s.”

They got to their feet and headed back to Morgan Kelsey’s. Sexual tension hummed heavily in the night air. As soon as they ducked into the doorway, they embraced. They began kissing, careful not to go too fast. Morgan had been hurt before. They both had. Morgan found Morgan, and their bodies became as entangled as their emotions. A sway of passion commenced, the rhythmic motions forming the beast with two backs. Eyes closed, Morgan wandered his lips over Morgan’s neck, and Morgan gave a deep sigh of contentment. Morgan broke away to look Morgan in the eye. Ten seconds passed, wordless, as their eyes delved into places no hands could go. They returned to locking lips, with Morgan touching Morgan even as she touched herself. Morgan moaned. Morgan reached his hands up to her face and gently rubbed her, breathing her scent in deep. Morgan's nipples became erect, and Morgan felt a swelling in the genitals.

“I’m ready,” Morgan whispered in a husky voice.

Morgan almost shrieked with pleasure, moving himself behind Morgan, and penetrated her, leaving his hands at his sides. She gasped in wonder, keeping her tail up.

“Oh, Morgan!”

His penis, with its tiny conical spikes, made many erotic motions into her willing vagina, because she had put her quills down now and Morgan wasn’t going to get stabbed. Morgan was happy Morgan didn’t have to soak Morgan in urine, which often happens in this kind of erotically sexual erotic sex. They procreated for six minutes, on the long side for porcupines such as Morgan and Morgan.

This is why they all hated books so much; porcupines are completely illiterate, and total jerks when they have fire on their quills.

THE END


My two sources, who would obviously be completely thrilled about this if they found out:

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2012/11/porcupine_sex_mating_behaviors_involve_quills_musk_penis_spikes_fights_and.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Zta4W5noiM

Total Recall

1990 Schwarzenegger Version- Real or Dream?

Much of the debate around the 1990 film Total Recall is whether or not it's all a dream at the end, and if Arnold's character Quaid suffered a schizoid embolism, lobotomizing himself, or truly saved Mars.

On the side of it being a dream, we can point towards the lab tech remarking that "Blue Sky on Mars" is new, or the man with the red pill describing the truth of Quaid's situation. Of course, that man's sweat drop betrays him in Quaid's mind, and he gets killed for it. The Rekall scientist says the alien artifacts Quaid requests are a million years old- but it's only half a million years for the reactor, repeated twice. I'm inclined to think a scientist would know the correct dates for her procedure, but be off on the exact archaeological estimates from a planet away.

I'm here to say that I think Total Recall is Quaid's real journey.

I think this because the whole point of Rekall is that it implants false memories. You get a full experience, yes- but those are implanted memories. You don't go around living on Mars for two weeks. An accurate description of how fake memories should work is Quaid at the beginning of the movie. He doesn't get how he could not be who he is, and has memories of a marriage that never existed. During the film, we see Quaid running around, actively experiencing. It's a present situation. If Quaid got lobotomized, he would just be in stasis, turned off. The "memories" being implanted wouldn't be being interpreted by his future/current mind. That mind would have shut down, so the memories wouldn't be accessible, and therefore livable.

I may have taken the fun out of speculation by appealing to logic outside the constraints of the movie, removing the cinematic aspect of storytelling. How else would memories be shown on film if not chronologically? The little bits of narrative that occur when Quaid is knocked out also are either explained away by an appeal to narrative structure or explained as having happened independently of Quaid's mental processing, a.k.a. real.

I'm going with real because that is what I'd like to believe.

Why the Original is Better Than the Remake- SPOILERS

There isn't really a debate about the legitimacy of Quaid's experiences in the remake; it's pretty easy to tell it's all real. But the remake makes a huge mistake in its story. They don't make Hauser a double-agent working for Cohaagen all along. The remake tried to be "grittier" and "realer," more attached to Earth and reality. With this one error, they made it a loss less plausible, which is a component of real-ness.

All throughout the 1990 version, Quaid gets away because Cohaagen WANTS him to. In the remake, not only does Quaid go to his own apartment, which isn't being monitored for some reason, he escapes there in a flying car chase. His girlfriend just finds him, and is successful. Meanwhile, this Cohaagen bad guy is the Chancellor of an entire country. He wants a mandate to go to war, which he does. Yet somehow he doesn't have the manpower to just get Quaid? The infiltration to Kuato makes a hell of a lot more sense than using a fake kill code in Quaid's head to get to Matthias. They could have killed Hauser, as a traitor, and used someone else to get to Matthias. In the 1990 film Cohaagen knows at least part of his agent is loyal, even if it's not the active personality. The remake doesn't make a strong case for Quaid being alive. The Chancellor just goes to war with synthetics anyway! Why couldn't he just do that?

Colin Farrell's fight with Kate Beckinsale is also unrealistic for how jacked he is and how normal-lady-sized she is. In Arnold's fight with Sharon Stone she hits him in the balls a lot, as that is the only way to make that fight fair.