Showing posts with label old. Show all posts
Showing posts with label old. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Last Wednesday There Occurred an Event of Great Fortune

Delving into Facebook notes, I've got this gem from November, 2011. What's funny is that I've now met the girl who I mention in the note, and she's very, very nice. The internet discovered her recently after the College World Series this year, since she's a player's girlfriend. That was kind of a disgusting public sleuthing, so I'm not putting any information here. But those in the know should understand.

Last Wednesday There Occurred An Event Of Great Fortune
Unedited since November 9, 2011 at 10:14pm

Let me tell you a tale about two people.

One is a small boy whom I see every Wednesday as I walk back from linguistics class. Usually he has a look on his face like he's the saddest child in the world. He mopes through campus near the Pauley construction with a backpack that seems to have utterly quashed his dreams with its weight. One time he had a project, a volcano if I recall, and he held it sullenly like the it was the only thing he had left in this world, yet he knew it would soon desert him as well. He's probably only ten, but is the sullenest boy I've seen outside of photographs from tsunami-stricken lands.

The next is a young woman attending UCLA. I have no idea her name, who she is, or anything other than the utter conviction I have that she has the largest breasts on campus. She is a skinny blonde with fantastically flaunted legs, a preference for pink tank tops that show ample cleavage, and too much makeup on. But dear god, her breasts. Each tit dwarfs her head; there is no way they can can be natural, since they stem from such a trim frame. I can only imagine she had her ample bosom naturally and then decided to shoot the moon with augmentation as well. Or she got implants first and unknowingly was a late bloomer in the chest department. I stare more in shock than admiration when I see her on campus.

Today, I saw her again. She passed me by the Wooden Center as I talked to a friend. She continued away down the path. I started walking that way shortly after, my friend having entered the gym. And as I sauntered forward, I saw my friend the sad child, walking from the opposite direction, parallel and passing...

It was good to see him smile.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Poems II

Delving back into high school here for the first, crude one, but its heart truly belongs to the spirit of Phi Psi, where it was read as the opening act of the Fall '09 pledge class talent show. Any hate mail on this one should be directed to Vanderlei Luftwaffle, who I hear entered into a coma in late December 2012 and has yet to come out of it.

Excerpt from "Swiss Vulgarities Vol. 1"
"Takin' Home Fat Chicks Sober"


You may be lookin' super heinous,
But girl you know this average penis
Takes 'em from average all the way up to heavenly;
And on the flip side all the way down to slovenly.
I enjoy blasting off like a rocket in space
No matter what the fuck that is on your face.
Ugliness is not a factor,
I'm going to plow you like a tractor.

-Vanderlei Luftwaffle
(1937- )

The second poem is another limerick, dated October 31, 2011. This was the Halloween I wore a self-designed Captain Planet costume to class, complete with a green dye-sprayed mullet and Smurf facepaint.

"All Hallow's Limerick"

No Halloween spirit? I just couldn't stand it.
So I dressed up like ol' Captain Planet.
But when I wanted to pee,
It took ten minutes you see,
Root suit zippers are tougher than granite.

Poems I

These poems are from high school, I guess, as I recently found them in a binder.

Limerick About Poetry

Some poems are actually gems,
Whether written in pencil or pen.
If the humor is hot,
I dig the rhythm a lot,
So with poetry I make amends!

"Arkham Asylum"

Who am I supposed to be?
The answer does not lie with me.
The knowledge lies within a book,
you'll see my face, go take a look.

The gentleman in the next cell
Thinks he's got happy feet.
If it rains outside on him,
He'll waddle out into the street.

Across the hall's another crook,
He's not in Kansas anymore.
If I were a horse I'd chomp his bones
And put his clothes at the farmer's door.