What. The. Fuck. : A Series of Poor Decisions

"Well, my life is over."

Frank's roommate Todd put down the phone and collapsed back into the couch. To Frank, it looked as if he was trying to assimilate with it. Todd thought that maybe, just maybe, he could fuse with the couch on an atomic level through a quantum miracle. The universe would never be able to find him again. More importantly, neither would Alex or Megan.

"What's wrong?" asked Frank. He did not know Todd to be a depressive.

"Remember how great last week was? How I got published, and felt on top of the world?"

"Yeah."

"Remember how fucking dope I looked when we out each night?"

"In your opinion, yeah."

"Hawaiian shirts with rolled up sleeves are cool. I think. If it's good enough for Jon Cusack and Anthony Edwards, it's good enough for us. But I slayed. I banged five chicks that week."

"That's terrible. Life definitely over."

"Two of them are pregnant."

"Two?" Frank looked at Todd in disbelief.

Todd had the same incredulous look in his own eyes, but his pupils also contained fear and melancholy.

"Two, Todd confirmed. "Alex and I were blacked out. She was so sure we used protection. I didn't force the issue. Megan said she was on birth control."

"Never trust a woman."

"But she was hot!"

"Case in point."

"What am I gonna do, Frank?" Todd lamented to the sky while sinking further into the couch. "What am I gonna do?"

"Can't marry both. In a way, getting two relative strangers pregnant might be better than just knocking up one."

"Shut up."

"Serious."

"Alex ain't a stranger, she's a softball teammate. We're practically friends. Anyway, that's not what I'm worried about. Alex says she's keeping it, since she's getting on in years and still single, but I can be as involved as I want and that I'm not on the hook for child support-"

"-get it in writing-"

"-I'm not on the hook for child support, Frank. She may not be the brightest bulb, but I trust her in her sincerity. If it makes you happy, you who's so invested in this- oh, wait, you're not- I will. Dick."

"Thanks."

There were a few moments of silence before Frank chimed back up. "So it's Megan you're worried about?"

"She doesn't want to ruin her figure at 21 with a pregnancy. I just have to completely pay for the abortion. Bitch. But it's better than paying for a baby."

"What're you worried about then?"

"Remember that black chick whose name I don't remember?"

"Yeah."

"Didn't wear a condom with her either. And I have two missed calls from a number I don't recognize."

Ned Stark (You're A Fine Man)

To the tune of "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" by The Looking Glass. Lyrics copyright Jimmy Davoren, about George RR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. Do not read if you haven't read Dance With Dragons. SPOILERS

There's a war in Westeros
And it kills a hundred men a day
Lonely soldiers miss the Starks who were slain
And say how Winter Comes

And there's a girl in a harbor town
Across the sea, laying justice down
They say, Arya, kill another clown
But enough about her now

Because Stannis said "Davos! You're a fine man (such a fine man)
What a good knight you would be (Onion knight)
But you smuggled, so your fingers belong to me"
(dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit)

Davos wore a pouch and chain
Carrying his fingers, luck, and shame
He lost it, on Blackwater Bay
For King Stannis whom he loves

He went to Wyman Manderly
To beg for a king's fealty
Wyman made it clear Rickon lives
White Harbor was his home

Jojen said "Brandon! I'm a greenseer (creepy greenseer)
What a good warg you would be (straight wizard)
But Beyond-The-Wall is where we need to be"
(dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit)

Yeah, Brandon saw a crow with three eyes
Who told him magic stories
His dream were real, one day he would fly
With the Children of the Forest
But now he was connected to the trees, lord, he was a weirwood man
Brandon does his best to understand
(dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit)

Davos is sent to find Rickon on the sea
Brandon walks through history
Sansa wants lemon cakes
And Arya's a Faceless Man

Melisandre says "Azor! Ahai! (Lightbringer)
Stannis it should be (for the Red God)
But in these fires, it is Jon Snow who I see"
(dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit-dooda-dit)

Jon! You're Rhaegar's son! (and Lyanna)
A Targaryen you should be (Song of Ice and Fire)
The Prince that was Promised, not just the LC
(George-RR-George-RR-George-RR-Martin)

Poems VII: Love Poems

Here are some love poems, and they're not all about the same person. They're all to remain a mystery, as they strike burnishing with the unrequited, unrelenting flame, lain cold.

"To Love a Love"

O! To be smitten,
That's the word;
An ode to being smitten-
Takes flight on a bird.
A lark as 'twere,
But always there,
I'm constantly flying,
Butterflies for a mare.
Bewitched in any hour,
By the heart's sweet power-
Has there ever been a time it's just been me
With no marathon running of fantasies?
I'll guess on answer,
Sweet Jeopardy-style,
And say no, not a chance, from checking
Mental files.
I love love
And always will
Being heady and drunk,
Drinking in my fill.


"M'lady"

A poem of love (a terrible one)
Yes, that's the way to do it-
One written by me
That you'll never see
Though your laughter did accrue it.
I might as well let my emotions forth,
(In paper form, at least)
Because it's wrong, I will not act-
I am no lustful beast.
"The pert and nimble spirits of youth,"
Your strawberry flowing tresses,
And of course the way you make me feel,
When my jokes are all successes.

Smartness goes a long way,
Dorkiness even farther,
I hope the best for the rest of your life,
May your blushing radiance grow ever larger.


"Fireworks of the Doubly Drunken Heart"

Hey!!! So...
I'm sorry,
But it turns out I love you.

And I ain't a fan

Of emotions,
Or notions,
But there are enough fireworks
In the world.
Not between us or nothin',
Cuz we friends,
And friends is dope,

-Haha-

There it is.
Damn straight,

Motherfucker.

Puttin'
Motherfucker on its own line?
Crazy as shit.
But:

Motherfuckin' worth
It.
Byaa.

Not this one. This one is more recent and that was her real name, a girl who lives in Vietnam. On two different paths, yet the fates let me have one blissful night of conversation. I do not live in Vietnam.

"Love In Sadness"

Danielle.
Forever,
And just for a nigh.
Love is a fickle thing
And it can happen in an instant
And last til the end of time.
When there's truth to it
When the connection is reality
It doesn't even matter what you say.
Because the content is deeper,
Its an elder compulsion,
An attraction of minds,
A gravitational pull,
Two bodies, one absolute,
Danielle.
You'll be gone,
Already fading,
Never again to meet.
But our hearts met,
That's all that matters.
One day, if the gods be good,
We'll be together knit in the universal consciousness,
That beating heart of humanity's entropy,
The math that holds the universe tight.
Tendrils of happiness
Of the true twinkling beauty
Starstruck and striking out gem-like stars.
A knowing.
An actual knowing.
No grok but yes.
A sure thing for a surety of passion.
Your hair that falls over earrings sweet,
Sweetness falling over thin smiles.
A leg up, on my shoulder,
A leg up, on the competition for my desire:
Full desire.
No singularity but wholeness
Of every fiber, every ounce.
A lingering hope
But I care not.
I accept you now as a part of me,
Though apart from me.
I wither and thrive in flux.

Poems VI

"A Walk in the Morning/Wood"

I took a walk one morning
would I say that that was that?
No, for I stumbled upon a bone,
Earnestly circled by a cat.
Its back was arched, its fur erect,
Shunning me, shooing me forth.
So I thought hard on the matter
And promptly changed my course.

Poems V, from a ski day at June Mountain

He was a dragon now
He looked like himself
But he was a dragon
Unequivocally. He knew.
Breathing fire
Hot
Like a fart on someone else's thigh
Seagulls flying
He was better than them.
All of them
All of who?
He didn't know anymore
Anymore
Than he knew who he was

-but he did know-
The universe and its secrets.
Our universe's name was Ted
It had replaced Francine
Or rather
Inflated inside her
A balloon in a balloon
Clowns have balloons
Dragons don't.
Rawr

"Shrooms"

I think saying the title after really makes the poem better for that one. These poems were written skiing at June Mountain. There are only two. I was by myself.

"Dope Status"

Try eight
You know it when you jump
Kicker off of Deer Bowl
I'd landed with a thump

Not once not twice
I gotta make it
Can't go home
My pride just won't take it

I'm the only one who knows I landed a three
But the most important person to see it is me

I know I did it
That's what counts
I refused to bounce without, I'm no slouch
So
All hail the conquering hero
With bruises and booboos
But a 3-6-0

A Joke

A clown comes in to a classic barbershop, straight razors and all, because the circus is in town and he needs a clip.
The barber asks how the circus has been going as he preps the chair.
"Not good," replies the clown, "one of our tumbling midgets tried to commit suicide yesterday by jumping off the circus tent."
The barber says, "Just a little off the top?"

At the end of the haircut, the barber asks the clown, "Close shave?"
"No," the clown says, "he just broke both his ankles."